Should You Stay or Leave? A Guide for When Your Marriage Has Serious Issues
There was a time when people didn’t get divorced because they were “growing apart.”
They got divorced because something serious was happening—affairs, addiction, or abuse.
Those are what I’d call the hard problems in a relationship.
Not “we’re not communicating well.”
Not “we feel disconnected.”
I’m talking about things that impact safety, trust, and your ability to function in your life.
And here’s the truth: those problems still exist. A lot more than people think.
The Difference Between “Hard” and “Soft” Problems
Most of the relationship advice you see online is geared toward what I’d call soft problems:
Feeling disconnected
Arguing about money
Not feeling heard
Growing apart
Those matter. They’re painful. They can absolutely break a relationship over time.
But they’re not the same as living with:
Infidelity
Addiction
Abuse
Important: Not Every “Hard Problem” Means You Should Leave.
And Likewise: Only Having “Soft Problems” Doesn’t Mean You Should Stay.
This is where people get stuck.
They think:
“If my partner cheats, I’m done.”
“If the only issue we have is feeling disconnected, it’s not a ‘real’ problem.”
But it’s not that black and white.
What actually determines the future of your relationship isn’t just what happened.
It’s this:
Is your partner willing to take real responsibility and do the work to change?
Because that’s the line.
Not perfection.
Not never messing up again.
But ownership + action.
And likewise, are YOU willing to take real responsibility for your own contributions to the issues in the relationship and do the work to change? Because relationships are a two way street. And even though your are NOT responsible for your partner’s actions, we all have things we need to work on when it comes to how we relate to our loved ones.
So… How Do You Know What to Do?
Here’s the question I want you to start with:
Is this situation impacting your well-being—or your child’s—in a serious way?
If the answer is yes, then the next question is:
Do I actually want to try to save this marriage?
If the answer is no—you already have your answer.
If the answer is yes, then we move into action.
What Trying to Save It Actually Looks Like
Not hoping.
Not waiting.
Not “let’s see if it gets better.”
Actual steps.
Get honest with yourself
Things cannot continue as they are. Period.Own your part (without taking responsibility for theirs)
You didn’t cause their addiction, affair, or abuse. You’re not responsible for your partner’s defensiveness or hesitation to open up.
But every relationship has patterns—and you need to be willing to look at yours.Get clear on what needs to change
Not vague ideas. Specific shifts.Bring in real support
This is not DIY territory. You need professional help.
The Conversation That Changes Everything
At some point, you’re going to have to say something like:
“I love you. I want this to work.”
“But I cannot keep living like this.”
“Things need to change, and I’m willing to do my part.”
“We need help. And I need to know if you’re willing to do this with me.”
And then—this part is key—
You stop arguing the details.
You’re not debating:
How bad it was
Whose fault it is
Whether it “counts”
You’re looking for one thing:
👉 Are they willing to get help and actually change?
If you’re in this place, you’re not weak. You’re not dramatic. You’re not “giving up too easily” or “being a doormat".”
You’re trying to figure out if you should stay or go…without losing yourself in the process.
And that’s a really hard place to be.
But clarity doesn’t come from waiting.
It comes from being honest about what you need—and watching what your partner actually does next.
Before you make a decision you can’t undo, it can help to slow things down and get clarity. That’s exactly what Discernment Counseling is built for.
Discernment counseling isn’t about fixing your marriage or pushing you toward divorce. It’s about getting clear. Clear on what’s actually happening in your relationship, how you got here, and whether there’s enough willingness—on both sides—to do the work to repair it. Instead of spinning in the same arguments or avoiding the decision altogether, this process helps you slow things down and make a thoughtful, grounded choice about what comes next—whether that’s committing to real change or deciding to move on.
