How to Spend Holidays Alone When Family Isn’t Safe or Supportive

Written By Lianna Purjes

(Finding peace when “going home” isn’t an option)

For a lot of people, the holidays mean family, laughter, and connection. Like that image in all the commercials where everyone’s wearing matching PJ’s and baking cookies together…

But for others, holidays mean anxiety, emotional landmines, and pretending everything’s fine around people who never really saw you.

And for some, there is no family to even potentially be uncomfortable with. The holidays mean being alone.

If you don’t have supportive family — or you’ve chosen distance for your own sanity — this season can bring up complicated emotions. Grief. Anger. Relief. Guilt for feeling relieved. And a strange sense of being outside looking in while everyone else posts their happy “xyz” holiday selfies.

Let’s be clear: you are not broken for having boundaries. And spending the holidays alone doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you. Whether you chose to be alone for the holidays or it’s just a matter of circumstances beyond your control, you can survive (and yes, even thrive) during the holiday season.

Here’s how to make the holidays your own this year.

1. Stop Fighting Reality

You don’t owe anyone a “normal” holiday. You don’t have to pretend your family is healthy or that you’re fine being cut off from them. It’s okay to grieve what you wish existed — while also honoring why you can’t go back.

Try saying this to yourself:

“This is where I am right now. It’s not where I wanted to be, but it’s where I am. And I can still make something good out of it.”

Radical acceptance isn’t giving up. It’s dropping the exhausting fight with what’s already true.

Think of it this way: If you had the flu, would you try to fight it and tell yourself that you don’t or that it’s your fault? Would you be running to the bathroom thinking, “I can’t believe I let this happen to me…”???

Probably not. You’d drink some fluids, binge watch something on Netflix, and curl up in bed to rest. 

The same goes for family dysfunction during the holidays. Do we play a role in our family relationships? Of course! Every relationship is a two way street. But to call relationships complex would be an understatement. There are a ton of factors that go into being alone during the holidays. 

So, when those negative self-talk thoughts come up, tell them to get the hell out of your head and remind yourself you’re doing the best you can. 

2. Rewrite the Script

Who says holidays have to include a tree, turkey, or tense dinner table?

Your holiday, your rules.

  • Order takeout and binge-watch something that makes you laugh (even if it’s something you’ve seen a million times and can recite the script for)

  • Take a solo day trip.

  • Stay in pajamas, light a candle, and write letters to your future self.

  • Volunteer, even for a couple of hours, just to be around energy that feels purposeful.

  • Create a new holiday tradition for yourself: maybe your holiday is treating yourself to a spa day, or finally organizing your junk drawer.

You don’t have to mimic “togetherness” the way we see it in the movies — you can create something completely your own.

3. Choose Your People (Even If They’re Not Family)

Found family counts. Online friends count. The barista who remembers your order counts.

Connection doesn’t always come from where you expected it.

Maybe this is the year you start reaching toward people who actually get you — even if it’s small steps, like messaging someone you admire online or joining a support group.

Instead of reading a book alone at home, go read a book in a coffee shop. We can often feel less alone when we’re surrounded by other people, even if we’re not interacting with them.

If you belong to a community, like a religious institution, a 12-step program, or even an art class you’ve been taking, reach out to other members and see if they’d like to get together (I bet there are others silently dealing with the same situation.)

The goal isn’t to fill a room and look like a Norman Rockwell painting. It’s to find one or two people who make you feel safe in your own skin.

4. Do Something That Reminds You You’re Alive (AKA-Don’t Just Sit All Day)

When you’ve had to survive unsupportive family dynamics, the holidays can trigger that old emotional freeze. You might go numb or feel disconnected. So do something that brings you back to your body — even for a few minutes.

Take a long shower with your favorite playlist. Move your body. Cook something with strong smells and bright colors.

Go out into nature-take a hike, go for a walk, listen to the waves of the ocean. We’re not meant to sit indoors all the time, so being outside can help calm your nervous system.

Remind yourself: you are here, in this moment, living your own story now. Whether the story is what you wanted or not, it’s your story. You get to choose how you spend your time.

5. Give Shame An Eviction Notice

You don’t owe anyone a picture-perfect life update. You don’t have to explain why you’re not “going home.”

So when people ask what you’re doing for the holidays, you get a choice. You can say…

  • I’m doing my own thing this year

  • Nothing too exciting, I’ll be in town, how about you?

  • I’m still figuring out what my plans will be

The bottom line is this: you are NOT responsible for other people’s potential discomfort with your answer. If they’re thrown off by not hearing you blather on about some Hallmark movie-esque holiday plan, that’s on them, not you.

And if you ever find yourself scrolling and comparing, remember: social media does not represent reality.

In fact, I highly recommend staying away from social media during the holidays. Why? You’ll see endless photos and videos about how happy and loving everyone’s families are, even if it’s not true and they’re just trying to convince themselves that they’re happy. Save yourself the heartache, and delete social media apps from your phone for a bit. Those apps will be available to download again whenever you’re ready.

6. Reach Out If It Gets Heavy

If loneliness starts to feel overwhelming, please don’t sit in silence. You deserve care and connection, even if family couldn’t provide it.

Call or text 988 if you’re in the U.S., or reach out to a therapist who understands what it’s like to rebuild your life from the ground up.

There is help — and there are people who will never ask you to shrink to be loved.

Spending the holidays alone can be painful — but it can also be powerful. You get to decide what peace looks like. You get to rest. You get to heal without pretending.

Sometimes the most radical thing you can do is give yourself the gentleness no one else ever offered.

If this season brings up old wounds, therapy can help you unpack the grief, anger, and loneliness that come with family estrangement. At Fuzzy Socks Therapy, I help adults untangle painful family patterns and create lives that feel grounded, calm, and fully their own.

👉 If you’re ready to start building your version of family, Start here ➝

Additional Services Offered at Fuzzy Socks Therapy

In Scottsdale, AZ, therapy for recovery from growing up in a dysfunctional family is one of the key ways we help clients find healing and relief. Beyond trauma-focused care, we provide a variety of services to support different needs. At Fuzzy Socks Therapy, you’ll also find therapy for children and teens, specialized neurodivergent therapy, discernment counseling for couples who need help deciding if they should stay together or split up, and ADHD and Autism Coaching for adults and parents of neurodivergent kids. To explore therapy for complex trauma along with the full scope of our services, visit our blog today!

Lianna Purjes
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