Why Setting Boundaries Feels So Wrong When You Grew Up in Dysfunction
If just thinking about setting a boundary makes you want to hide under the covers, you’re not alone.
Maybe you agonize for days before saying no. Maybe you blurt out a boundary and then immediately backtrack. Or maybe you don't set it at all, deciding it’s easier to deal with your own discomfort than risk upsetting someone else.
For many adults with complex trauma, setting boundaries can feel wrong—not just difficult, but actually unsafe. There’s a reason for that.
Let’s explore why this happens and what it takes to start building healthier boundaries, even when your nervous system is making you want to pretend nothing is wrong.
In Dysfunctional Families, Boundaries Were a Threat
Boundaries are the way we communicate what’s okay and what’s not okay. But in a dysfunctional home—where rules were inconsistent, emotions were volatile, or needs were ignored—boundaries were often treated as personal attacks.
As a child, you may have learned:
Saying “no” led to punishment, withdrawal, or shaming
Expressing preferences was seen as selfish
Disagreeing meant being disloyal or ungrateful
You were responsible for managing everyone else’s emotions
The reactions you got from your caregivers were emotionally and/or physically punitive, so, instead of learning that boundaries are healthy and normal, you learned they were dangerous. And because children internalize survival strategies, you started suppressing your needs to stay safe, loved, or at least out of trouble.
Fast forward to adulthood, and even a basic “I can’t make it tonight” can feel like you’re doing something terribly wrong.
Internalized Guilt: The Voice That Won’t Quit
One of the biggest roadblocks to setting boundaries is guilt—not the healthy kind that signals a real mistake, but the chronic, internalized kind that flares up anytime you prioritize yourself.
It sounds like:
“I don’t want to be a burden.”
“They’ll think I don’t care.”
“I should just suck it up.”
This guilt didn’t come from nowhere. It likely stems from years of being told—directly or indirectly—that your needs were inconvenient or too much. Maybe you were the peacemaker, the caretaker, or the invisible child. Maybe you learned that love was conditional on compliance.
So now, when you assert yourself, even gently, it feels like you’re violating some unspoken rule. You might even feel a sense of panic or dread—as if something bad will happen if you don’t immediately fix it or make the other person feel okay.
Fear of Conflict: When “No” Feels Dangerous
If you grew up in an environment where anger was unpredictable or conversations quickly turned into explosions, you may associate any kind of disagreement with danger.
You might:
Avoid setting boundaries to prevent conflict
Over-explain or soften your words to keep the peace
Apologize for having needs
Feel frozen or dissociate when someone pushes back
This isn’t weakness—it’s survival wiring. Your nervous system still scans for threat, even when you’re safe now. It doesn’t distinguish between your critical parent yelling at you for speaking up and your partner looking mildly disappointed that you need alone time.
The fear response is the same: Shut it down, stay small, don’t rock the boat.
Why Boundaries Are Especially Hard for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families
You may have been taught that love means sacrifice. That good people are always available. Your role in relationships is to earn connection by being agreeable, helpful, and low-maintenance.
In this framework, boundaries feel like rejection. Like abandonment. Like betrayal.
And because you were conditioned to feel responsible for everyone else’s feelings, you might believe:
“If they’re upset, I did something wrong.”
“If I have limits, people won’t love me.”
“If I don’t give them what they want, I’m a bad person.”
These beliefs keep you stuck in unhealthy dynamics, overextending yourself while quietly feeling resentful, exhausted, and unseen.
What Healthy Boundaries Actually Are
Let’s be clear: Boundaries are not about being rude, selfish, or controlling. They’re about clarity, respect, and mutual care.
A boundary might sound like:
“I’m not available this weekend.”
“I’m happy to talk, but not if I’m being yelled at.”
“I need some time to think about that.”
“I’m not comfortable with that request.”
Healthy boundaries don’t damage relationships—they protect them. They allow you to show up honestly, without resentment. They give others permission to be responsible for their own feelings and choices.
And most importantly, they allow you to take up space in your own life.
How to Start Building Boundaries—Even If It Feels Terrifying
1. Validate Your Fear
Of course, this feels scary. Your body remembers when “no” led to emotional chaos. You’re not overreacting—you’re protecting yourself. Start by noticing the fear and reminding yourself that it makes sense.
2. Start Small
You don’t have to dive into the deepest end of boundary-setting. Start with some low-hanging fruit, like saying no to a meeting or choosing where to eat. Build the muscle gradually.
3. Expect Discomfort, Not Disaster
It’s okay if you feel guilt or anxiety after setting a boundary. That doesn’t mean you did something wrong—it means you did something new. The goal isn’t comfort; it’s healing.
4. Separate Emotion from Responsibility
Someone might feel disappointed when you set a boundary. That’s not the same as you doing something bad. You’re not responsible for managing other people’s reactions—you’re responsible for being honest and kind.
5. Get Support
Undoing years of conditioning is hard. Therapy with a supportive trauma therapist can help you unlearn the old rules, process the guilt and fear, and build a sense of safety around asserting your needs.
You’re Allowed to Have Limits
You are not selfish for having boundaries. You are not unkind for saying no. You are not responsible for fixing everyone’s discomfort at the expense of your own peace. You’re allowed to take up space. You’re allowed to protect your energy. You’re allowed to say, “This doesn’t work for me.”
Even if it feels wrong at first—it’s not. It’s just unfamiliar. And with time, boundaries become not only possible, but freeing. At Fuzzy Socks Therapy, we help you unlearn old patterns and build the confidence to honor your needs with compassion and strength.
Find Safety and Healing with Therapy for Adults from Dysfunctional Families in Scottsdale, AZ
If you are ready to break free from guilt, fear, and old family patterns, therapy for adults from dysfunctional families in Scottsdale, AZ can help. With compassionate support, you can learn to set healthy boundaries and feel safe taking up space in your own life. At Fuzzy Socks Therapy, we walk alongside you as you heal past wounds and build the confidence to create relationships that truly honor your needs. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
Contact us to schedule your appointment or book a free consultation here
Meet with Lianna, trauma therapist
Start building the confidence you need to heal!
Additional Services Offered at Fuzzy Socks Therapy
In Scottsdale, AZ, therapy for complex trauma is one of the key ways we help clients find healing and relief. Beyond trauma-focused care, we provide a variety of services to support different needs. At Fuzzy Socks Therapy, you’ll also find therapy for children and teens, specialized neurodivergent therapy, discernment counseling for couples who feel unsure about the future of their relationship, skills groups, and ADHD and Autism Coaching for adults and parents of neurodivergent kids. To explore therapy for complex trauma along with the full scope of our services, visit our blog today!
